Taking the Bull by Horns

God, yesterday was exhausting. I confronted two of my biggest fears, and now it looks like I’ll be definitely moving back to school. The financial situation isn’t terribly great, but it’ll do, and I think I need the resources at the counseling and mental health center at school. My insurance won’t cover more than 12 visits if I go to leave with relatives, and I think I need more support than that.

I also bought a pack of cigarettes yesterday. I haven’t smoked in over two years. Ok, almost 2 years ago when I took my qualifying exams in September 2005. Well, they seemed to help, but they did make me jittery. I took a propranolol yesterday evening once I had done what I thought was enough yesterday. I forgot, and it’s strange how soon we forget, how that puts a wet blanket on the adrenal surges from anxiety. Although the cigarettes won’t helping much, I’m sure. P. would kill me if she knew I was smoking, but she puts down at least one glass a wine a night, as I so reminded her when she was scolding me for taking Ambien to sleep. She was trying to convince me that I wasn’t really an anxious person, and that I didn’t need medication. She stopped once I pointed out her alcohol consumption. Immediately. I found that very satisfying.